It’s 11:30PM on the end of a night of a good day. I had my phone in a drawer all day. I stuck with my goals and made it through my first workday of this journey.
And all the sudden, in the middle of listening to Stick Season by Noah Kahan the dam breaks. I’m sobbing ugly tears and tasting the salt of them. They won’t stop as I’m gasping in air.
I miss my friends and my parasocial connections. I want to hear the person who created the kindest, safest, happiest Twitch community I’ve ever been a part of laugh as she plays Zarya. I want to share the in-jokes we’ve built with eachother. I want to share my passions with them and cheer them on as they pursue theirs.
But I know I’m not strong enough yet. I know if I go back to Discord right now it will be right back to compulsively checking it to avoid sitting in a moment of quiet with my own thoughts. If I go back to stream it will be back to opening it before my workday is done and ending my day feeling guilty and unproductive.
I don’t know if I truly understood how much these online connections meant to me. But I do know it would be dishonoring them to go back and let any percentage of my engagement be fueled by compulsive behaviors. I want to go back a stronger person who is always engaging wholeheartedly with my whole self. I don’t want to ever take for granted the people I’ve had the good fortune of bumping into in this messy online world ever again.
I don’t know if I should hit publish on these emotional ramblings of a person in a moment of deep vulnerability. But I also know that the only reason I made this blog was to put myself out into the world more. So be it I guess.